Special Announcement
by SofiaDragon
Summary: Darth Vader is the butt of the Emperor's practical joke, Xizor watches. No spoilers, but a lot of humor. If your in the mood for a laugh this is the perfect short story! One Shot Challenge inside


Title: Special Announcement 

Summary: Darth Vader is the butt of the Emperor's practical joke, Xizor watches. No spoilers, but a lot of humor. If your in the mood for a laugh this is the perfect short story! 

"Good morning ladies! Have I got a scoop for you!" Darth Vader's viewscreen said suddenly. He looked at it a moment, sure that it had malfunctioned. He had just turned it on a few minutes ago to watch the holonews and the broadcast had suddenly flickered. Now a young woman in a flame-colored dress stood center-screen. 

"Take a good look at this wonderful man. He stands a full two meters tall, has sandy blonde hair-a rather particular shade really, and a sturdy build." The woman was gone, but was quickly replaced by...No!

"Eyes deep, piercing blue, can look right through your soul. Sweet, wonderfully formed lips will drink you in during a kiss or whisper sweet words in a deep baritone voice. This is no innocent boy, but a coy man with a good deal of experience with women."

Vader ran out of his quarters, the damn thing was on every channel, and right into the communications office. Xizor stood by his head communications officer, as Vader had just gotten out of a meeting with the slimy reptile. 

"I can't seem to contact my driver. This is blocking everything," the dark prince said quickly.

"Trace the signal. I want it shut down now," Vader ordered.

"I am tracing it Sir, but it seems to come from everywhere." The Communications officer squeaked.

"Not to say he isn't trustworthy, ladies. He had an exclusive interest with one woman for thirteen years before she was killed in a tragic accident right here on Coruscant. His only son, sadly, defected to the Rebellion, but this is no indication of bad parenting. The child had been put up for adoption as a baby. Don't worry girls, he loves children. It was just a bad time. Here we see him in the Jedi Temple helping the young children. How cute!" 

The picture now showed the man instructing a five-year-old girl on how to levitate blocks. "See how happy they are? And yes I did say Jedi Temple. He is a full-fledged Jedi Knight who fought in the Clone Wars. Not impressed yet, ladies? Then you should see him fly! At the age of nine he was already a master mechanic and had constructed a pod racer. Racing at over 800 kilometers an hour he won first place in the Boonta Eve race on Tatooine. What did he win? His freedom. This man was born a slave, the poor dear. The Old Republic laws did not reach the Rim, and if I may add, neither do the Empire's." Various racing scenes were shown as well as some shots of young boy banging happily on a podracer.

"I thought you killed all the Jedi?" Xizor asked.

"All but one. It was necessary to keep him alive."

"The way they paint him here, there won't be a single woman on-planet that won't be drooling over his doorstep come tomorrow." Vader didn't respond.

"But like all good things there are some down points. He has a temper and is away from home often. When he is home he can be quite tender as long as you dodge the temper. He is also quite wealthy, but prefers a simple life. The personal rooms in his home are sparsely furnished and have a meditative air about them. No woman's touch is required, as there are no sharp corners; not that it is a feminine dwelling. Green is his favorite color, though he seems to have two black thumbs. There are a few plants and he is very fond of them. He is the man of the house, the one in charge at all times, but if you have a level head and strong will it will help you charm this stunning creature. He has no tolerance for weaklings, but don't challenge his authority."

Images of the man giving orders and talking to political leaders were shown interspersed with those of him walking through gardens and meditating.

"How close are you?" Vader asked anxiously.

"I've traced it back quite far, my lord, but I believe there is a lot further to go," the communication officer said nervously.

"An interesting past," Xizor commented. "Worthy competition is hard to come by."

"You may come to eat those words, Xizor," Vader replied. _I hope not_, he thought.

"But again there are problems. He is thirty-nine years of age, but remember Jedi have a considerably longer life span. At the age of nineteen he fell into a volcano on Sullust. He is fine, well, as good as can be expected. He has a large scar on the back of his head and another across his chest. Smaller ones speckle his left arm and across his left cheek, making some facial expressions difficult. There were no holos available to show this damage but his best feature, his wondrous eyes, are exactly as they have always been. His pain is minimal, or so he says, but it is to his credit that he continues to function." A close-up of his head and shoulders was shown with a wry smile.

"I almost have a trace on it, sir. Any moment now," The communication officer said. 

"I want this broadcast stopped as soon as possible." Vader was visibly nervous now. 

"Hiding something, Vader?" Xizor asked. "Maybe you threw him into the..." 

"I most certainly did not want him to fall in," Vader interrupted. 

"A tender hand could ease the pain he does feel. Now you may be wondering what this handsome devil's name is, and you should not be made to wait! His first name is Anakin, though no one calls him by that name anymore. He goes by a nickname that the Emperor himself adopted as his name." 

"A few more seconds, sir." The officer panted. 

"For your sake I hope so," Vader growled. This will completely destroy everything I have done in the past ten years. 

"It is a word in his native language that means "wonder," and he is quite the wonder! Originally given to him during the Clone Wars and quickly taken up in place of his real name is:" 

"I have it, sir!" 

_**"Blow the damn thing up!"**_

An image of Darth Vader filled the viewscreen and the woman proudly chirped, "Darth Vader!" It was the last thing she ever said as a hail of security droids and stormtroopers opened fire on the transmitter. The transmission ended in sudden static and then the holonews appeared, appologising for the strange events. 

Xizor looked Vader up and down, barely withholding his laughter. 

"Anakin? Your name is Anakin?" Vader was frozen. Xizor quickly got ahold of himself. "I'm already late for a meeting. Good day, Anakin." 

A Noghri (when had he come in?) walked up to Lord Vader. "Are you all right, my lord?" he asked timidly. 

THE END  



End file.
